I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
