Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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