I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
