enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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