How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
