i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You ruined the universe
Randomize
