Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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