yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
