She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
do herpes really smell.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
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You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
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Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me