Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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