so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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