What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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