I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
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it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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