how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
