ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
