i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
