I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
