he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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