New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
