mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
