my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
