You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.