seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.