I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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