Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
