What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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