I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
