hotel room ftw
What a fucking waste of an outfit
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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