My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
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I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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