I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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