I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
