did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
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her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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