Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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