Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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