dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
