Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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