Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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