Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
