i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
