I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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