everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
