So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
