Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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