My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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