Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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