Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
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I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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