I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Randomize
