Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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