i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
