I think my fart just growled at me.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
