just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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