I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
